Apologies
by deeda
Summary: This takes places after episode 5x15. Slight spoilers for the episode but i dont think i give anything major away!


**Apologies**

This takes places after episode 5x15 [Sorry I don't remember the Unsub's name]

I don't own CM

He knew she was mad. He knew it because he could feel it- also he could read her better than other people and it had nothing to do with his skills as a profiler. Aaron Hotchner KNEW Jennifer Jareau. And this time he knew that he had upset her because he knew she wanted to stay with that family. That she wasn't happy when he had asked her to leave them. He had further upset her by asking her to speak to the young widow about making that statement.

It wasn't like JJ had said anything to him or acted in a way that let him know that she was upset with him but just the way she did speak to him and the way that she did act in front of him let him know without a doubt that she was unhappy with him. This fact bothered him more than he would have liked or would care to admit. Because it would mean admitting that she was important and while that was something that he was sure about deep down inside he wasn't ready to openly admit it yet.

What Hotch didn't realize was that JJ was possibly the only person in the entire BAU if not FBI (well that part of the FBI located at Quantico) that didn't know that the Unit Chief was pretty much crazy about the media liaison. So much so that even Director Strauss had rolled her eyes the last time she had sat in on one of the BAU's cases. The eye roll had not gone unnoticed by the senior member of the team and the Director and Rossi had exchanged knowing smirks.

Coming back to the matter at hand, the team had come back from the case a few hours ago and most of them were eager to get out and grab some drinks. It had been a bad one which had left all of them affected. Hotch knew that JJ had most been affected especially after the completely unnecessary death of the young mother. With her little baby boy by her side. That was a scene that Hotch knew he himself would never forget because it was too similar to what his own son could have experienced. Hotch knew that even if he wasn't grateful before he was even more thankful to the powers that be that Jack was hiding when Foyet had pulled the trigger that had ended his mother's life. Hotch would never forgive himself for Hailey's death but he wouldn't be able to continue living if Jack had been witness to such horror. He didn't think that a child could ever recover from such a traumatic event. In a way he was grateful that the lady who had been killed had a child who was too small to remember.

JJ watched him- sitting in deep contemplation at his desk. The worry lines etched on his forehead told her that he was thinking about something that was causing him pain. She had to resist the urge to walk in and smooth those lines. Sit beside him and ask what it was that was bothering him so much. She kind of had an idea because it was something that was plaguing her too. She knew that most of the time even though they did their jobs they couldn't save the innocent but this last one was too unnecessary. She couldn't get the screams of the baby out of her mind. A innocent child's desperate plea for his mother to wake up!

Hotch shook his head – wanting/ needing to think about something else. He couldn't change the past no matter how unfair it seemed or how desperately he wanted to. Plus those reports wouldn't complete on their own. He had to believe that the team had stopped the man in time to prevent him from other families and taking away more innocent people. He had to believe that pulling JJ away from the family was the best thing for the case and that in time she would see that. But he couldn't stop that nagging in the back of his mind that told him that he wouldn't feel better unless he spoke to her about it. The one thing that made JJ different from the rest of the team was her ability to understand him and his thoughts without too much verbal communication. Sometimes he thought that she knew how he was feeling or what he was thinking by the way that he breathed. Since he was not a big fan of talking (something that Hailey never seemed to understand) JJ was actually a godsend. But Hotch knew that as much as he wanted to confide in her, JJ was his subordinate and he had to maintain the hierarchy within the team. It was important to maintain this balance because it was his job, as Unit Chief, to look after them. He couldn't appear weak and he couldn't let them think that he needed their help to cope. Needed her help to breathe.

It seemed like the fates had a different plan in mind because as soon as Hotch looked up he saw her. She was standing outside his door, looking in but he knew from the look on her face that she wasn't seeing him. She had a far off look in her eyes. He got up and made his way to door. It swung open quietly and Hotch walked up to JJ. He lightly touched her arm and she jumped. She hadn't seen him come up and her erratic breathing and hand on her chest told him that he had scared her. Well she also told him that he had scared the living daylights out of her but he knew that!

"What are you doing here, JJ?" Hotch asked after she had calmed a bit.

"I'm not exactly sure… umm… I was thinking that.. umm… maybe.. I dunno."

He just smiled at her knowing that she needed a minute to gather her thoughts

"Hotch, do you think that we caused that woman's death? Umm I mean do you think that if we hadn't put the Unsub in the corner she would still be alive?"

Of all the questions that he had expected her to ask this hadn't been it. He was stunned for a minute not wanting to betray to her that he had been thinking the exact same thing for the last few hours. Then he looked her straight in the eye and told her the truth

"JJ, I don't know. I don't know that if we hadn't done what we did, the Unsub wouldn't have killed her. But what I do know is that even if that woman was still alive somebody else wouldn't be. I know that he would have killed again and while we tried to stop him we had no control over who he would choose as his next victim. You think that it doesn't hurt me thinking about that family. That child who lost his mother before he had a chance to even know her but I can't let myself dwell on it too long because I have no control over this. All I can hope for is that I can stop these people in time. These people who derive pleasure from others pain or who don't realize that their actions have tragic and horrific reactions which effect innocent families. That is the burden that this job places on us and that is what we have to bear."

JJ looked at him as he spoke and realized that he needed to hear these words as much as her. That he was speaking as much to himself as her and it was in that moment Jennifer Jareau acknowledged that even if he didn't know it she loved this man. This man who was not only her boss but also her rock and her strength. She knew that while she should have this sort of a connection with Will and that being a cop he should realize the importance of her job nobody understood like Hotch. He was there for all of them whenever they needed him. Whether they realized it or not- he was there.

Hotch saw something change in her eyes and he found himself mesmerized by them. He couldn't look away. He felt himself being drawn to her and he couldn't stop himself when he closed the distance and gently placed his lips on hers.

Her breath caught in her chest as she felt his lips touch hers. She couldn't move but she didn't want him to move either. She grabbed his shirt to hold him in place and slowly began to move her mouth against his.

He lost control as soon as she started returning his kiss. His tongue traced the outline of her lips which immediately opened to allow it entrance. They moaned as their tongues touched and both knew that now that they had tasted each other they couldn't stop. His hands entangled in her hair- a desperate act to keep her in place.

She wasn't going anywhere. He held her tightly- almost afraid that she would run away. She almost wanted to pull away from his lips to tell him that she wasn't going anywhere. Where would she go? He had her mind, body and soul. But she didn't because telling him would mean removing her lips and that was something she wasn't willing to do.

He pulled away slowly. Not because he wanted to but because he would have died from the lack of oxygen if he didn't. He took a moment to just look at her. Her hair was a mess, her lips were swollen and red and her eyes were bright and shinning in a way that he couldn't remember seeing recently.

She watched him watch her. His hair was tousled from where her fingers had been, his lips were swollen and his eyes were dark with desire. She never wanted to look away.

"Sorry…" Hotch began slowly

"NO… you have nothing to apologize for. I am the one who started it. I'm the one who lost control. Its my fault. It was just this case you know. She was so young and had a little boy. Guess she reminded me of me and Henry and I got carried away. It's all my fault. Please don't be mad or upset. We can forget anything ever happened. We are both mature adults who just got carried away. It doesn't have to change anything….."

She was talking so fast and so much that he had to physically grab her hands in order to get her attention

"JJ STOP! I wasn't talking about the kiss. My God.. I would never want to take that kiss back. I have wanted to kiss you for so long and now that I finally have I don't ever want to stop!! Why would you think that I wouldn't want you????? You are the most amazing person that I know and I love how you understand me even without my having to say anything! I LOVE you! But what I was apologizing for was the way I treated you on the case. I don't like having you upset with me because of the calls that I make and u have to understand that I would never want you to do anything that you don't want to but at that moment I needed you to walk away from that family. I needed you to talk to that mother and get her to make that statement to the press. I hate being the guy who doesn't care (or making u think that I'm heartless to the suffering of others) but you know that I have to look at the bigger picture. I have a duty to catch that Unsub and sometimes it means making people do things that are difficult."

JJ didn't have words to respond to him. Her mind had stopped functioning when midway through his rant he had declared that he loved her. He LOVED her. She knew that he meant it too because of the way that he said it. He just said. There was no buildup- no big show. It was blunt and honest and the truth. So since she didn't have words she just grabbed his tie pulled him close and have him the most passionate kiss she could.

The two agents were far too busy to hear the phone ringing in Hotch's room informing them that their most recent Unsub had killed his father in prison.


End file.
